TG once said to me, “I love you always, but I don’t like you right now.” We were arguing over something that I can’t even remember what it was anymore. What I do remember all these years later is how I reflected on that statement. It really made me think about marriage. It’s not just about loving each other — that’s the easy part. It’s about showing up for each other when it’s hard. Getting the kids to practice, making dinner, juggling work and home, cleaning the house, nursing the baby, doing laundry, changing diapers . . . the list is never-ending . . .
What we don’t want to end, though, is our marriage. We shouldn’t always feel alone, and we should actually like being with our partner and enjoying our time together. Our marriage should be our first priority. We chose each other. We chose to live this life together. This doesn’t mean we only get to choose to enjoy the simple parts of it. But we also didn’t choose to be the one to carry the weight of parenting alone. So, how do we manage everything life has to offer and still strengthen our marriage?
First of all, we need to understand what’s really important: We can’t do everything all of the time. No matter what you’re seeing in friends’ lives or on your favorite influencers’ feeds, you need to know that’s not real. Our society expects way too much of the modern day family. Pinterest shows us picture-perfect homes and aesthetics. I don’t know about you, but we live in our home. I’d rather enjoy the moments and the people at home instead of always having everything put away perfectly. It’s ok to sacrifice perfection . . . you’ll never get there no matter how hard to try, so just stop trying to get there. Yes, it’s important to keep a sanitary and healthy home, but if we care more about impressing others with our spotless home, we may not have those we really care about in the home (either physically or emotionally) someday because we’ve pushed them away.
Distance between couples is a slow growth. At first, it’s a few days here and there where you feel frustrated with each other, but when those days go unchecked, the days turn into weeks. Weeks turn into months. Months turn into arguing and harboring hostility between each other on a daily basis. We then find ways to escape because we don’t know where that spark went. We’re too tired to love each other, so doing something to reconnect, like going on a date, is insanity, right?
Sorry, not right. We need to normalize putting our spouse first. This may be an unpopular opinion for many because it feels almost impossible to want to spend time with each other due to all of the arguing or deafening silence that’s been happening lately. You may think there’s just too much to do for the kids, so it’s impossible to feel like you can make time for each other. The problem with not prioritizing your spouse is you’re isolating each other while trying to manage the home and take care of the kids. Your kids are seeing you two act as separate entities, not as a team. What’s this telling them about relationships? What’s this showing them about sharing responsibilities? Your distance between each other is really modeling that the people in our life are not worth fighting for, and strengthening relationships is unimportant.
But where do we start since we’re so busy, angry, and exhausted? We go back to focusing on each other by spending time talking — really talking — to each other. Remember when you started dating? You couldn’t wait to talk to each other and share about your day. They were the first person you’d call or text with happy news or when something bummed you out. They were your best friend, and that’s exactly what you need to make them again.
Before going to bed or first thing in the morning, spend 10 minutes talking. Here are some questions to help you on your reconnecting journey:
- What do you wish I would do to show you my love and appreciation?
- What are your biggest dreams for us? How can we get there?
- What’s your favorite memory of us? Why is it so special to you?
- What are five strengths you see in our relationship? What are some areas we can grow?
- Are your needs being met in our relationship? What can I do to better support you?
- What memories or events from your childhood shaped who you are today?
- What are you most proud of?
- What makes you comfortable being yourself around me?
- What small gestures or words of encouragement make you feel appreciated?
- How can I help you when you’re feeling upset or exhausted?
These are simple questions that dive into deep conversations that will help you relearn each other and ignite the spark again. TG and I enjoyed asking each other questions, so we ordered this game to continue our conversations. We asked each other two to three questions a night before heading to bed. Starting with asking questions will eventually reframe your ability to talk to your spouse about helping around the house without starting a fight because you reconnected and built back your trust first.
It’s not only important to talk to each other calmly, but you need to go back to dating. Here is a list of 50 Flirty Fixes for Married Life. Grab this downloadable for free during the month of May. It is packed full of free and simple ideas to reconnect with your spouse.
After TG said those words to me, I asked myself how I can ensure he likes me, not just loves me. Our turning point was when I spoke to him like my boyfriend. I remembered all of the things I liked about him that made me fall in love with him. I rephrased the way I told him I needed help. I expressed my needs instead of barking them at him. And ya know, what? He did the same. We reconnected through honest, calm conversations.
Please know what you’re going through right now is common among so many couples, but it doesn’t have to be permanent. Talk to your spouse gently and honestly. Listen with empathy. You’ll be amazed what can happen when you like the person you love.
If you’re interested in learning more about how we turned around being strangers back to being besties, check out this workshop. You can also read more in my book. I’d also love to connect with you one-on-one to discuss your current situation and develop a plan to help bring the spark back to your marriage. As always, if you know someone who would benefit from today’s message, please pollinate joy by sharing.
As always, I’m here to support you on your journey of creating beauty and order in a chaotic world. Feel free to check out my other resources on my website at thecraftybcompany.com, sign up for our mailing list (which you’ll get a free 4 week meal planner with recipes), or contact me if you’re interested in support with personalized consultation. Finally, be sure to like and subscribe so I can continue to make content for you and others. Take care.
