If you’re reading this blog, I’m assuming you’re dating, engaged to, or married to a police officer. Statistically, police officers have higher divorce rates than most other professions. I’ve been married to my husband for 12 years, and he literally came home from the police academy for our wedding. He was late to our Friday night rehearsal (by no fault of his), we got married on Saturday, and he had to head back out of town to the Academy on Sunday. No honeymoon. No basking in the glow of my newlywed bliss. We started off with the reality of what police life would be like.
We almost didn’t make it through our first year. I’m going to list below how I grew as a human and a wife. Through these simple changes, we have the happiest marriage I could ever imagine. Of course we still have the hard times, but these tips make them much softer. Read below to see how you can not only survive being married to a man in blue, but how you can thrive together.
- Do not complain about his schedule.
If you think he wants to work midnights, weekends, or second shift, think again. Yes, he signed up for this job, but he did it because it’s in his blood. He did it to protect and serve, and in order to do this, someone has to be available at all hours of the day. It’s the reality. Complaining will upset him and solves NOTHING. So how do you deal? Read tip 2.
2. Don’t get hung up on tradition.
I’m sure your hubs has missed birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, kids’ events, and the list goes on. It’s not fair, right? Don’t be a whiny five year old. Instead of sharing how disappointed you are, create new ways to celebrate these things.
Cell phones give you NO EXCUSE to miss sharing special times together. You can so easily record an event or FaceTime something special for your kids. Can’t make a softball game? Record your sweet girl up to bat and hit send. Missing a parent/teacher conference? FaceTime and let him join. It isn’t perfect, but it can work.
An anniversary or birthday is a celebration of another year. The date does not matter. Let me repeat: the date DOES NOT MATTER. Go to dinner when he’s off. Have that party when you can. Give him a cute text on your actual anniversary and move on. Have breakfast/lunch/dinner with the birthday kiddo when he’s available on the actual day and party later when your schedules mesh. But what about other relatives, you ask? Time for tip 3.
3. Have an honest conversation with family and relatives.
Holidays have been contentious times for us because sometimes the traditions are the focus instead of the time spent together. Your husband married you, and you two are a team. The difficult conversation needs to be had and shared. In order for the two of you to be successful, you need the support of everyone else.
This may mean needing to hold Christmas after January. This may mean Thanksgiving dinner on a Sunday instead of Thursday. If your family doesn’t support this, that’s a whole other topic for another post…
4. Respect his privacy.
There are days that my husband can’t wait to share what happened at work, but there are other days when he comes home and is very quiet. I don’t push the issue. If he doesn’t want to share, I respect that. He may come around eventually, but in reality, he may have seen a death of a child who is our own child’s age. He may have walked through blood of a murder victim’s body. He may just be mentally exhausted. It’s not your job to interrogate him. It’s your job to respect and support him.
5. Treat him with the special things.
Every morning, I make a large pot of coffee before I head to work. I easily could use the K-cup feature on our coffee maker and make myself a personal cup of coffee in order to cut down a few minutes of my routine each morning, but I know he loves waking up to a fresh pot of coffee.
He has a favorite chair he loves to come home to and plop down in after a long shift. I ensure the kids’ items are not on his chair and the path is clear for his de-escalation time.
We have his favorite brews stocked up in the fridge. If it was a long day and he wants to unwind, he doesn’t have to think about stopping on his way home (and often times places are closed if he works that weird shift).
Make his favorite snacks. I know life is hard, but if you can find a few extra minutes in your schedule to randomly surprise him with a special treat, his smile will be totally worth it. Buffalo chicken dip is a direct line to my man’s heart. I also pick up olives (I know, random), spicy pickles, and salsas every time I go grocery shopping because these are things he loves. It’s even extra fun if you can sneak in a surprised visit to drop off a favorite meal at the station that you’ve prepared for dinner.
Do a chore that he dreads or that you know makes him happy. If my husband comes home to our kids’ rooms being clean, he loves it. It teaches the kids responsibility and then they have more time to hangout instead of doing chores when he’s home. He also appreciates an empty dishwasher and clean sink. This helps the following day when he’s on dad duty and can easily have the kids clean up their plates from breakfast and lunch.
6. Be super cute and random.
If I have a free moment in my day, I send an “I love you” text to my husband. Sometimes I’ll send a silly .gif or Bitmoji. No matter what it is, it shows that I’m thinking of him.
I sometimes write him post-it note messages and put them on the bathroom mirror as a little surprise when he comes home and I’m sleeping. They simply say things like, “I hope you had a good day,” “I love you,” or “good night (with a heart)”.
If you have kids, have them draw him a picture and stick it on the fridge or tape it to the door. These cute messages don’t have to take time or money. They simply let him know how much he’s loved and thought about.
7. Schedule regular date nights.
Date nights don’t have to be anything more than watching a movie together at your own house. It could just be a 30-minute conversation on the front porch. Order your favorite take-out. Go out to dinner when you can get a babysitter. We’re not talking super fancy, but we are talking about being present with each other 100%.
Life is too hectic and busy. When you’re in the thick of things, you barely notice each other as you fly past one another trying to get to work and practices, make dinner, and pay bills.
You have to be intentional in order to really be together. We personally put it in our calendar and schedule babysitters way ahead of time. Standing date nights each week are even better. My husband has off Thursday nights right now, so we do wings while the kids go entertain themselves elsewhere. It gives us time to have dinner by ourselves and chat without interruption.
A bonus: Your kids see you having a healthy marriage. They definitely notice this and recognize the love between you two.
8. Serve God together.
If you want to grow in your relationship, you must first grow yourself. In order to do this, God must be in the forefront. Serving him allows us to serve those whom he loves regardless of any hurt, pain, or suffering one may cause us. It’s easy to love our husbands during the good days. It’s sometimes near impossible to love them through the toughest times. Being able to stop, pray, and handle life with grace allows you to be a better spouse. Your husband will take your lead, and life will become so much easier, even through the turmoil.
Being intentional about your faith is important, but growing spiritually together challenges you, creates discussions, and strengthens your family unit. Attend church weekly. Read the Bible together. Pray at mealtime. Ask each other questions. These spiritual practices will help you through the tough times because you’ll both be on the right path to grace, faithfulness, and peace.
9. Remember why you married him
You married him because you got butterflies when he looked at you. You had that deep down in the pit of your stomach passion for him. Remember when you couldn’t stop touching him?
Give him hugs and really hold him. Give him kisses and really feel them. Remind him of how much you love him and really mean it. Those tiny actions of affection will last far longer than the seconds it takes to do them.
For better or for worse. When you said, “I do,” you agreed to the sacrifices in life, which include his job. Instead of being selfish, be as selfless to him as he is when he’s serving others at work. He needs you as his partner. Be the Hooch to his Turner. His back up. His six.
