We often find ourselves looking to our husband for more help—whether it’s with the kids, chores, or just being supportive with all of the things going on in our life—but we feel like it spirals into an argument when we bring it up. This is something many wives share with me, and I’m here to tell you that you’re not alone. But it doesn’t have to end in an argument when you’re trying to work together as a team. As moms, we juggle so much. Sometimes this leads to us holding in our frustrations until we bubble over. By holding in how we feel, we hit a breaking point that blows up into World War III just because there are dishes in the sink. Read on to learn how to prevent spiraling into an argument and still share the household duties.
Most disagreements don’t start with what the actual problem is. Instead we start with our emotions, which come out in a terrible tone and during an inconvenient time of the day, which doubles the tension. Instead of using a simple phrase like, “Can you help me out?” our words turn into, “You never help me!” Marriage isn’t about keeping score. It’s about working as a team. Even the best teams need a game plan. Below are three simple plans to help you both win.
Pick Your Moment, Not Just the Message
Jumping down your spouse’s throat right after work when you’re both exhausted is not the ideal time to bring up another stressful situation. If your toddler is in the middle of a tantrum, trying to problem solve issues you’re having with him will only fuel the fire of your little. Instead of entering into a conversation when you’re escalated, take time to think about what you want to say. Writing it down will help you stay focused and calm. And it’s ok to use those notes when you’re ready to bring it up because it shows that you really care about finding a solution together instead of playing the blame game. Download my list of conversation starters that prevent a fight if you aren’t sure where to start. Choose a quiet time and place to talk. Discussing things together after a calm family dinner would help. Taking a stroll in the neighborhood with a cup of coffee will set a nice tone.
Start with Curiosity, Not Accusation
We often don’t understand why we have to ask for help and jump straight to the conclusion that our spouse doesn’t care or isn’t willing to step in. Most of the time, this is just an assumption and our accusations are incorrect. We need to be curious and ask questions to learn more. For example, instead of saying, “You never help,” you can say, “I’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately. Can I talk to you about it and discuss how we can work on it together?” This opens the door to letting them know you have things on your mind that are bothering you, but you want to work it out calmly and find a solution. Without blaming them, they are more open to hear you calmly and don’t put up a defensive wall. They’re your spouse, and they want to do what they can to help you. Again, they have other things going on in their lives, too, so we can spend this time unpacking his stresses while sharing yours. The end goal is dividing and conquering together and with pretty equal responsibilities.
Be Cognizant of Our Communication
There are three ways we communicate: Verbally, nonverbally, and paraverbally. If we truly want to have a calm conversation with our spouse, we need to check these three things. Verbal communication is the actual words we say. These are the word choices we use. Nonverbal communication is what our body does as we say the words. Are we rolling our eyes? Are our arms crossed? Are we facing them openly? Are we on our phones while they’re talking to us? And paraverbal is the way in which we say things. Are we raising our voice? Are we giving attitude behind our words?
Keeping our eyes on our spouse while we have conversations is a great start. We want to have an open body position, acknowledge their words with head nodding or reaching out and placing a hand on theirs. We also want to be sure we’re using a calm and relaxed tone. This is why it’s important to bring up these topics when there isn’t other drama happening or we are heated from a previous situation. There is no reasoning with emotions. You both have to be de-escalated and ready to have the conversation.
You deserve support, and we need to realize that asking for help isn’t nagging if we’re asking in the right way. If we communicate instead of confront, we will see that action will come out of our conversation. If you say what you need to say with kindness and share your thoughts with the best intent, your partner will want to help. This will just help them understand how and when. So let this be the week you talk instead of tussle, becoming strong teammates who are winning again.
As always, I’m here to support you on your journey of creating beauty and order in a chaotic world. Feel free to check out my other resources on my website at thecraftybcompany.com, sign up for our mailing list (you’ll get a free 4 week meal planner with recipes), or contact me if you’re interested in support with personalized consultation. Don’t forget to pollinate joy to others who may find this blog helpful, and be sure to like and subscribe so I can continue to make content for you and others. Take care.
