Close your eyes and try to think back to the time you used to meaningfully hug your spouse after work or take each other out to an expensive candlelit dinner. When you open your eyes, are you now seeing days that look more like quick verbal exchanges as you hand off the toddler, brief texts about picking up more milk, and frantic phone calls to find what field you’re supposed to pick up your teen? You may feel more like roommates instead of husband and wife. No one really talks about how our identities change from who we were as our own person to when we become Mom and Dad.
Along with our identity shift, our purposes also took a turn. We now have to keep our littles and bigs surviving and thriving but are still expected to run a clean house, cook healthy meals, and have a romantic marriage. Going from romantic partners to logistical teammates happens, but if we stay there, that’s when we have to make a shift and reflect on what’s going on.
We’re more tired, so our physical intimacy may be non-existent at the end of the day. Often, we lay our head down while running through tomorrow’s schedule and assessing how many hours of sleep we’ll get before our alarm wakes us up. Waiting until bed to be intimate when we have kids is probably to worst time to try. Instead, talk with each other to figure out a time you can sneak away for a short while together. Can you squeeze in a Saturday afternoon rendezvous during the kids’ nap time? Can you extend “getting ready” for a little longer? Can you hold “Secret Santa (or Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy or whatever fictional creature may visit the house) Meetings” where you check in to report how things are going and can’t be interrupted? Can you set your alarm 30 minutes earlier to jump start your day together? Intimacy isn’t impossible with kids. You just need to be mindful and creative with a focus on when you both will feel up to being intimate.
You may need to first focus on emotional intimacy before bringing the physical aspect back. Flirting with each other is so underrated. Check out my downloadable on 50 ways to rekindle your relationship. Grab it for free during May! If you’re struggling even trying to like your spouse, you should also check out last week’s blog here to learn how to like your spouse.
It can be a hard transition to go from roomies to a couple who wants to spend time together. Use this chart to shift your thinking from Roommates to Spouses and strive to make at least one change this week to reconnect with your person.
| What Roommates Do | What Spouses Do |
| Buy groceries on their own | Sit together and plan meals or go to the store together |
| Eat meals separately | Be mindful to eat as a family with no electronic devices at the table |
| Each have their own chores they tackle | Create a schedule to do cleaning as a whole family (get a free chore chart here) |
| Pass by with a brief smile and “hi” | Stop and intentionally hold each other for at least 20 seconds (this releases oxytocin, the love hormone, reducing stress and increasing bonding) |
| Watch shows on their own or at opposite ends of the couch | Choose something you both like (even screencast TikTok or Reels) and snuggle |
The transition from individuals to spouses to parents is hard, but being intentional with our time together can turn our roomie situation back into our happily ever after. As always, I’m here to support you on your journey of creating beauty and order in a chaotic world. Feel free to check out my other resources on my website at thecraftybcompany.com, sign up for our mailing list (you’ll get a free 4 week meal planner with recipes), or contact me if you’re interested in support with personalized consultation. Don’t forget to pollinate joy to others who may find this blog helpful, and be sure to like and subscribe so I can continue to make content for you and others. Take care.
